Nate At The Movies

THIS REVIEW CONTAINS SPOILERS.

May is undoubtedly going to be a big month of movies. From The Mandalorian & Grogu to The Devil Wears Prada 2, there are going to be a ton of good movies to see, so why did I kick it all off with Andy Serkis’ already critically maligned Animal Farm adaptation? I think I’m hoping to get this slop (pig wordplay absolutely intended) out of the way before hitting some real cinema. I knew there was a chance that Animal Farm—whose trailers and incredibly skewed Letterboxd ratings inspired no hope—could be one of the worst movies I’d ever seen going in. Knowing that didn’t make it not disappointing when it came true.

It was pretty clear from the outside that an Animal Farm movie aimed at kids wasn’t going to work, and this movie predictably lacked the bite of the source material. The story was sugar-coated, dumbed down, and needlessly added on to, especially when it came to the third act that saw the big bad pig being taken down. One of the central arguments of the original fable is that everyday evils like these don’t go away—they never have and never will—so having the oppressed overcome at the end defeated that message entirely. Most of the important messages of the original Animal Farm were slaughtered, like “All animals are equal, but some animals are more equal than others”—which isn’t even said to the animals in this movie—and “be aware of the potential for corruption from within your community”—which was invalidated by Frieda Pilkington luring Napoleon into many of the realities he chooses for himself in the story. Also, did we seriously end one of the most anti-authoritarian, anti-capitalist stories ever with the lesson of “work hard because you want to?”. Geez.

Unfortunately, the amazing fumbling of ironclad themes wasn’t the only thing this movie did wrong. The animation was dull and boring, and the script was painfully unfunny, even though it was clear they were trying very hard to be funny. Literally all of the humor failed to land, primarily because every performance felt phoned in. It’s silly that such a highly-billed cast could sound so uninterested in their movie—even though only some of them were truly bad (looking at you, actor-director Andy Serkis, whose career trajectory has baffled me)—no one was any good. Also, did anyone notice some really weird, off-pace line readings? Seth Rogen had a few that sounded like they stitched multiple takes together while also forgetting how normal people speak. If you couldn’t tell, this movie was a catastrophe. Lastly, I have no idea where to include this, but the show pigs made me uncomfortable. Why do they have more pronounced pig butts? Why does one of them become Napoleon’s sugar baby? I hate this film because it made me write those two unholy sentences.

Between the 96-minute runtime (that I shortened to 80 by hauling butt out of there the second the credits started) and the 15 minutes I’ve spent writing my review, too much of my life has been wasted on Andy Serkis’ Animal Farm. I don’t know what possessed me to go see this in the first place—my 13 loyal newsletter subscribers need to know that this movie stinks?—but my time would’ve been better spent in hundreds, maybe thousands, of ways. I could’ve seen Michael again! I could’ve stayed home! Alas, neither of those things happened, and here I am, giving out my first half-star rating on Letterboxd. At least some history was made on this app today. Debby Ryan would be proud. All hail Animal Farm, the worst movie I’ve ever seen!